My boyfriend is
quite inexperienced in bed. He’s very
enthusiastic and always says “Show me what
you want”, but I’m starting to feel
more like a teacher than a lover. I’m tired
of doing everything step-by-step and I’ve
started fantasising about having sex with a man
who knows what he’s doing. I do love him but
should I finish it?
Emma from
Manchester.
STEVE
SAYS: Finish
it? The only thing you should finish is your
constant whining, woman. Whinge, whinge, whinge,
whinge , whinge. I mean what’s the poor lad
supposed to do? Some women are never satisfied.
There’s armies of chicks out there who do
nothing but complain because their blokes just
bang away until they’ve had their pleasure
then go to sleep. Here’s you with a lad who
wants to get it right and all you can do is
complain about it. Cut the poor sod some slack.
Alternatively, if you really are looking for a
bloke who knows what he’s doing then you
could ditch that pathetic loser and e-mail me
your address, preferably with a selection of
candid photographs, to 'Steve has the hots'.
DR.
HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: Think carefully about
finishing it. He may be the best man you’ll
ever meet, seeing as it’s scientifically
proven that all men are bastards. I think
inexperience and your totally bizarre fantasies
are your major problems, as you seriously believe
you can find a man who knows what he’s
doing!
Feel like a teacher? Get used to it, sister.
As for your boyfriend: take a look at my book for
men, published by Termagant Press, titled, HOW TO
MAKE LOVE TO THE SAME HAND FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE.
___________________________________________
Lonely
Girl.
I’ve been single for ages.
I just haven’t met any blokes I like enough
to go out with (or who like me enough in some
cases). But I really miss sex. Is it okay to just
go to bed with guys occasionally as long as we
have safe sex?
Victoria from Stow-on-the-Wold.
STEVE
SAYS: Sex
is a very precious thing. It’s the ultimate
form of self-expression that should only take
place between two people who love one another
inside a strong and lasting relationship. Only
kidding. You bonk away sweetheart, the more the
merrier. And don’t worry, as soon as word
about your enlightened attitude to sex gets round
you’ll be surprised at how many blokes do
like you enough to go out with you. Though when I
say go out I don’t mean that literally
because it will probably involve a lot of staying
in. Anyway, if you’re still uncertain then I
am available for one to one consultations. Just
e-mail me your address, preferably with a
selection of candid photographs, at Steve gets even hotter.
DR.
HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: It’s going to be a
real problem finding any man that you like enough
to go out with. I’m surprised that you find
sex with just men all that satisfying. It’s
a well documented fact that men can’t
satisfy women, as they are all bastards. If you
want to screw them, then that’s fine.
It’s what they have been doing to women for
centuries. Your point on safe sex had me
troubled. It’s a scientifically proven fact
that sex with a man can never be truly classed as
‘safe’.
___________________________________________
Horatio
Hornblower.
My boyfriend wants
me to give him a blow-job. I tried it once before
and it made me gag – I was going to throw
up. Is this normal?
Melanie from
Stoke.
STEVE
SAYS: No
it certainly is not. Just think of all the things
that lad does for you: He goes shopping with you,
he waits for his meals until you’ve got a
free minute to cook them, he lets you watch crap
soap-operas and points out the creases
you’ve missed when you’re ironing.
Yeah? And just once he asks you to do something
for him and what do you do? Complain, that’s
what. As for gagging when you tried it, well
that’s only to be expected I suppose if he
just rams his pork-bayonet down your throat. What
you need to do is work your way up gradually with
a bit of practice. Start of with something slim,
like a pencil (though with some blokes that might
be as far as you need to take it. Ho-ho), then
move up to say a breadstick and so on until your
tolerance for having large cylindrical items in
your mouth has increased sufficiently. On the
other hand if you need someone non-judgemental
who has the patience to practise with you until
you get it right, then just e-mail me your
address, preferably with a selection of candid
photographs, at Steve goes ballistic.
DR.
HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: I’m shocked that this
pervert can try and force himself on you. There
are many scientifically documented cases that
once a man has been spoken to by a woman, he
presumes that he can swap spittle with her. You
must report him to the police immediately. For
good measure, enhance the unspeakable acts
he’s attempted to force you into, to ensure
a conviction and long enough jail term. When you
are sobbing uncontrollably to the sympathetic
WPC, throw in words such as, ‘sodomy’,
‘catamite’, ‘shackled’,
‘unnatural’, ‘goat’ and
‘Cling Film and tapioca’.
I’m particularly surprised that it was only
one part of a man you couldn’t bear to
touch!
