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That would probably make it easier for him to broach the subject of any hidden urges he’s always harboured but never dare speak their name.
His next words I would remember until the day I died. Paraphrased, the gist of it ran something like this.
Hank had ran into Mob-Arty. His cronies were everywhere so Hank had taken to ludicrous identities and disguises to move around undetected. Today was his day off, though, so he’d used the time to look me up and pass on the info.
Mob-Arty was in hiding in Wales ready to put a devious plan into operation which would secure him criminal mastermind of the year - maybe even decade (For that you get TWO weeks in a holiday venue of your choice and free groceries for life.).
Hank had already determined that his nefarious Nemesis’s nadir was nearing its noxious, nauseating nastiness. It was known that Mob-Arty had planned a dirty deed when Hank intercepted a coded message sent to a local Welsh man, Mike Croft. It sounded like there was an American connection in the transmission: ‘Betty’s a Co-ed’.
Mob-Arty was going to put the dastardly plot into action at the local rapids - known as Swallow-bach Falls.
Hank wanted me to accompany him.
I dropped everything - and winced as I realised I’d still been holding the hammer from building the book-case.
After a quick trip to casualty, we were again hot on the trail.
Arriving at our destination at the beginning of a new chapter, I thanked the literary lord for poetic licence in being able to cut out huge chunks of travel narrative at the blink of a mouse.
Too late!!
Mob-Arty’s whole gang had been rounded up. Damn! I couldn’t think of a mathematical play on words to spoof the imagery that conjured up.
Hank had been very broody and silent throughout the whole trip. I decided to liven up the action by giving him a derring-do escapade.
‘Despite the warnings about not venturing near the Swallow-bach Falls, Peri, I have a hunch that Mob-Arty is to be found there. And I cannot rest until I’ve brought the sewer-sucking scum-bucket and low-life to justice. I feel I must follow him to the water, and kick him in the groyne.’
Before I could get a new ribbon in my typewriter, he had donned a deerstalker (despite vociferous protests from the man) and was gone.
I could just make out his figure approaching the fearful place known as Swallow-bach Falls. It was the last that I was ever destined to see of him in this world.
I learned later that Hank, in trying to protect me, and knowing that first-person narration was worth shit if the main character buys it, had arranged to go on to the falls and send me back to our hotel to record these words.
Later, the local constabulary called me. But they spoke in Welsh, so I don’t know whether it was particularly offensive!
They said they’d found two sets of muddy footprints near Swallow-bach Falls, and a note in Hank’s hand, though the experts were never able to determine how it had become detached. Perhaps it was a final gesture to show the world that when fighting the ‘mob’, Hank Conan never threw his hand in!
The same experts delivered a chilling scenario of Hank’s final moments on the precipice of the falls: There was little doubt that a personal contest between Hank and Mob-Arty had ensued and ended, as it could hardly fail to end in such a situation, in their reeling over, locked in each other’s arms.
There was no attempt at retrieving the bodies and the most dangerous criminal and the foremost champion of law and order will lie there in perpetuity.
*********
Dear readers, I start awake at nights, thinking of Hank on the precipice, the dreadful cauldron of swirling water and seething foam; the giant maws pulling the two human remains down into the very burning, fiery, seething pits of hell, boiling and raging with vehement fury. Their ceaseless damnation - to spend infinity locked in conflict with their enemy.
I live the everlasting torment of Hank, enduring, until the end of eternity, the cold, cold immortal embrace of his enemy, Mob-Arty.
Hank. My friend, my comrade, my buddy. My .....Excuse me a moment.........................
THE END.
Will Hank ever return?
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