THE LIGHT-HEADED PLONKER OF PORTWOOD

(ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT OF DEBRIEFING SESSION)

PROZAC: I'm certain that this is an alien/human hybrid, Sertraline. What other possible explanation could there be?
SERTRALINE: You couldn't be more wrong, Prozac. There's actually nothing sinister about this person at all. He is simply suffering from a problem that affects millions of people world-wide, albeit in a particularly extreme form. This man is plagued with excess earwax. He appears to have made some attempts at controlling the problem because if you look closely at the very top of the tower-like accretions, you will see a number of small, wick-like protuberances.
PROZAC: I'm sorry, Sertraline. I can't go with anything so outlandish. My contacts in highly secret locations have led me to believe that they know someone who works with a man whose friend is certain that this is an alien/human hybrid.
SERTRALINE: I know, Prozac. Your theory sounds so plausible. However, close examination of the wick-like protuberances, using computer enhancement has revealed them to be the ends of Q-tips that, having inserted them in a vain attempt to clean and clear his aural orifices, he has been unable to extricate from the suction force of the wax. The inexorable growth of the formations has carried the cotton buds from the inside of his ears to the top of his head much in the same manner that an Alpine glacier picks up and deposits moraine.
GENERAL MALAISE: Alternatively it could simply be a photograph of a fuckwit with candles on his head.
PROZAC & SERTRALINE: (Long Pause......) We may have been victims of a cruel hoax, Sir!

X-PLAIN THE INCREDIBLE LEMON-SUCKING BOY OF BRINNINGTON X-PLAIN THE FANTASTIC FLOATING KID OF ROMILEY X-PLAIN THE SENSATIONAL HALF-BOY OF HEATON NORRIS
X-PLAIN THE LARGER THAN LIFE SPROG OF LYME HALL X-PLAIN THE AMAZING X-RAY EYES MAN OF EDGELEY X-PLAIN THE WITH-CHILD CHILD OF CHEADLE
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